Monday, January 20, 2014

Coffee: Shot Two

I tried something new and wanted to see how well it would work. It seemed like most of my readers enjoyed the idea of me writing to you, so that you may get to know me better. Here is take two and this time I would love to hear from my readers what there opinions are on what I have to say and/or if they like this coffee shot process.Right now I am wide awake at 2:00 AM writing on January 20th. This may or may not go up on the 20th. It will actually probably be tomorrow but I figured I would let you all know that I am insane and up really late.

If we went out for coffee I would tell you that I am still looking for a job however there are some pretty good prospects out there, so I am waiting to hear back on the final words from them. I am really hoping to have a job soon. I've been woking really hard to try to find something and I have been to a lot of interviews. This is the time that people start hiring so I am definitel hoping and praying. 

If we went to coffee I would ask you for advice. I know it may sound silly because we don't know each other very well, but this is why we are going out to coffee right? I would want to ask you some questions about what to do with books and the boyfriend. I know that my boyfriend doesn't understand my love for books. He gets my love for writing and he is very suportive of it however he looks at my love for books and hoarding them. Am I truly hoarding books because I don't want to get rid of them? Honestly if yI take the books to a used bookstore, I am just going to get ripped off because they never pay anything decent for them. Just because I may not have looked at a specific book recently, that doesn't mean that I don't want to look at it in the further. There have been many times that I have looked at a specific book for certain information. There are times that I look at books to see how other authors write and draw inspiration from it. Without channeling your book lover feelings of "Oh you can't get rid of your books," I want logical answers. Do you think I am hoarding and  that I should get rid of some of my books or do you think it is okay that I keep them? I have one large five shelf bookcase and one small three shelf bookcase that are both completely full. Then on top of that I have books in plastic containers and books in front of the books on the large bookcase. I do have a lot of books. I just don't necessarily think that I need to get rid of them. I would love to hear my readers opinions listed in the comments below.

If we went to coffee I would tell you that I am worried about moving. I've been applying to different jobs that are outside of the city that I live in. If I get one of those jobs, I would be moving to that city. I have to say that I am a little nervous about it. How am I going to handle moving an hour or more away from my family? I moved out of my parents how to the city I live in now which is only a twenty-five minute drive from where they are at righ now but I can at least see them whenever I want. If I move to the cities I have been applying to I would be a whole lot farther away, so I wouldn't be able to see them very often. I don't know how I would handle that or what I would do if I coulldn't handle it?

If we went to coffee I would tell you that life is hard sometimes. I wish it was easier. Sometimes I think life is hard because God wants to show you what you really can handle. It is a time to see that you can survive and that you are stronger than you think you are. I also feel like why do I need to be challenged to see if I can handle something or see how long I can be pushed. Sometimes I feel like I could use a break. I feel like I am going through one of the worst things in my life righ now and I honestly could use a break. I need something good to happen. 

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Coffee: Shot One

I thought I would give my readers a chance to get to know me better. Not just as a blogger or a reader but as a person. I know that we are all people out there and so I want to try to share a little bit every so often. I will write as if I was talking to you in a coffee shop hence the title Coffee. Shot One is like the shots that they put in coffee except it will be each attempt that I sit down and write to you, my reader. 

If we went out for coffee I would tell you that I am already missing school. I had to drop out for a term possibly two because it is too expensive to attend right now. I miss having the classwork and having something to keep me busy. I felt like I was wokring towards a goal and now it is not there. Some people may think that if i dropped out that I will never go back however they would be wrong because finishing school and getting a degree is important to me. I want to have the learning experience and I also want to improve my writing.

If we went out for coffee I would tell you that I have a boyfriend. We have definitely had some up and downs but he is pretty amazing. I am thankful to have him in my life. I can't say that our relationship is the easiest because I know that my parents don't approve at all but he is a really great guy and he makes me happy. We met at work or when we did work together but we knew each other for about a year before we started actually dating and by that point we worked in diffferent departments. I feel pretty lucky to have him in my life though. 

If we went out for coffee I would tell you that right now I don't have a job and it is driving me crazy. I have been unemployed for a month now and I am getting sick of it. I basically apply to jobs all day long and go to interviews but no one has hired me yet. Sometimes I feel like giving up hope, but I know that there is something better out there for me. I just need to find it. I have some good leads on jobs so I am hoping someone will want to hire me soon. I really am going crazy not working. I don't like it at all. 

If we went out for coffee I would tell you that I am trying to write a new adult novel. This is my first attempt at the new adult genre, but I am pretty excited to see what happens. I have a great idea in my head and I want to see it on paper so this is what I am working on right now. I think good things can come out of the possibly of me writing this story down. My hope is to see it in print some day, at least in digital print. 

If we went out for coffee I would tell you that I feel replaced. I feel replaced by my friends. Most of my friends were from my last job and so I don't see them everyday anymore. I figured they would want to keep in touch with me more than they are. I've been trying to keep in touch with them but it isn't working out at all because no one seems to respond back to me. I miss them so much. I wish things could go back to how they were but I am not totally sure that is possible. Besides I can see that I am slowly getting replaced by someone else. Guess it was good while it lasted. I am told that it is my fault that I feel this way. I don't feel lie being disappointed and sad is going to ruin my life or anything. I feel like I am trying and it just doesn't work. You can only be ignored so much before it starts to take its toll on you. 

If we went out for coffee I would tell you that being a grown up is hard. Life was so much easier being a kid. Responsibilities were easier. Bills drain your bank account especially when you aren't working and you find that you can't always buy what you want either. In reality being a grown up sucks. You definitley don't have the freedom that you wish you had or that you thought you would get as a kid because you find out that everything costs money. 

If we went out for coffee I would tell you that I am scared. Scared of my future and what it might entail. I feel like all the plans I had for my future aren't going to happen now. Life is starting to hit a low point for me and I'm not used to this. I am used to having a plan and having everything together. Right now I feel like I can't even make plans because I don't know where I am going to be or what I will end up doing. For all I know I could end up in a ditch next week broke with no place to live. Now that is going to the extreme however that is how I feel sometimes.

If we went out for coffee I would tell you that I feel betrayed by people. I feel backstabbed and sad. I am trying to work out all of my feelings and I know people are worried about me, but I just need time. I need time to get over everything and to be okay will all of it. I need time to move on. 

That is what I would tell you if we went out to coffee. What would you tell me? I hope you have a great one until next time. 


Color Blind

Monday, November 25, 2013

Unexpected Turns

Recently I learned that life can take unexpected turns. Ones that happen out of the blue and you are no where near prepared to take them. I was caught off guard so much that I feel slightly lost with what I should do. I never expected something like this could happen to me. I never thought that I would have to worry about life and where mine is headed. I know that I have a good head on my shoulders and that I know the difference between right and wrong. What I didn't know is that I would have to worry about how I would survive in this world. I didn't realize that life could be so harsh. I knew that the world was cruel and unusual but it was just the world. I figured that if I did my best, I would be okay. Apparently I was wrong.

One month ago, I would have told you my life was good. I just recently moved out on my own, I had a fantastic boyfriend, and a great job. I was going to college working on my English degree and I was keeping my book blog afloat. I wasn't worrying about anything other than what book was I going to read next and of course stressing slightly about whether or not I would pass my math class. I knew college would be hard but some days I wonder why I ever returned. I really want to get my degree and I am working my butt off to get it, but sometimes I feel like I am never going to get there. That was about one month ago.

Now I am just waiting for school to end and I am trying to find a way to survive. I just want to be okay. I want my life to turn out okay. I want to stop feeling like a failure because that is what this entire situation has made me feel. I don't really like airing my dirty laundry all over the web especially because I feel like it really isn't anyone's business but I am hoping that typing all of this out would help. I just want to feel better. Unfortunately my confidence and security have been destroyed. I worked at a job for over two years with nothing but a stellar record. Of course every employee makes mistakes, so I have minor mistakes attached to my record, but nothing that says I am a terrible employee. Human Resources was even surprised about how stellar my record was. I try very hard to be a great employee and provide wonderful customer service to my customers. I want to do right by people and show them that not everyone is bad and some people truly want to help others.

The elephant in the room is that I lost my job a little over a week ago. Unfortunately some people had a personal vendetta and wanted me gone from the business. I know that probably sounds like the perfect excuse, but if I was really doing what they were saying, I would have owned up to it. I know it can be hard owning up to your mistakes, but if have the worst guilty conscious on planet earth and I really wish I was lying. It was terrible being a teenager because I was always getting myself into trouble because if I didn't get caught, I told on myself. Literally this is my life. I can never commit a crime because I would end up turning myself in if I wasn't caught. So believe me when I say this really was a personal vendetta for some people. It has definitely been hard. I wish I knew what I could. A little bit of my backstory to this situation, is I was at the top of the department that I could go without becoming a manager and there was no way that was going to happen because the managers that were there had been there for years and they wouldn't be quitting their jobs anytime soon. I was applying for other jobs in my company but out of my department. I was completely honest with my other department heads that I was applying for jobs out of the department. Even though they tried several times to convince me not to leave the department, I applied for other positions anyway. 

Eventually I did interview and get another job in another department. I was offered the job and I took it. Two days before I was suppose to transfer, I was told that they were postponing my transfer date. I said okay because even though I was excited for the new job, I didn't mind too terribly to stay in my old position for another week. My team was my family and I was already going to miss them a ton so a few more days with them was going to be nice. Well i was informed the same day that they were going to investigate me for performance issues. During all of this, I was training someone to take my place and so the day that they were released and my department technically didn't need me there anymore, oh and my last day on the job in that department before I was suppose to start my new position and I was called into the office and they fired me. On circumstantial evidence. All because I tried to better my career and do better for myself, I got fired. The department I was in has a high turn around because people are in and out of there like crazy. There are very few people that stay there for long periods of time. Well I was one of them. I don't blame them for wanting to keep good employees but to fire them because they are leaving is so stupid and unprofessional. I gave them the option to keep me and told them what my requirements would be and they denied it. That was there own fault.

Now I am looking for a new job and of course filed for unemployment. I would have to say that this is the first time that I haven't had a job and I hate it. It is more than just being low on funds. It is mainly because I don't know what to do with myself. I apply for jobs and I do school work. I've had a few interviews that I am waiting to hear back on, but other than that I feel like I don't have enough time in the day but I also am antsy because I want to work. I want to go to a job but unfortunately I don't have one. I have to say that is the hardest part of all of this because I just want to work. I want to have a job.  I miss working a lot. I know people must think I am crazy but when you have had a job for so long and then you don't have one anymore, it mades things hard. Especially during this time of year. I just have to say I miss it a lot. I also know that I am a survivor and I will make it out of this. I just need to find a new job and I have to be careful about the money that I currently have. I will be okay. I just have to believe in that. 

I wish my life would have turned out differently. I wish people weren't so petty and selfish. I just wanted to better my career and learn more. I feel like if I am not learning in my job then I am not doing the best job that I can, so that is all I wanted to do. I just wanted to do a job that I would be learning more. I want to learn as much as I can. I guess I wanted to learn new things, so I definitely got my wish. I am learning many new things right now. I've learned how to file for unemployment and how to deal with our very complicated government. I'm learning what it is like to have work friends and which ones are true and which ones are not. I am learning that you can't always count on people to be there for you. The people that are there for you are the ones that count. It has just been very hard knowing who has my back and who doesn't. When you have been stabbed in the back it is slightly harder to recover from that. I will be okay eventually. I am just going to have to learn how to deal with the disappointment of my situation and just recover. I can do it. I know that I can. 

Like I stated in the last paragraph, it has been hard finding our what friends are actually there for me and which ones aren't. I really miss my friends but I guess now that I am not employed by the same company as them, then I am not worth their time. I thought they were truly my friends but I am finding out that they really aren't. I do have to say that I have definitely learned that you should keep your entire personal life away from the workplace because people for one want to use it against you and two you never really know who your friends are. I am pretty good about keeping my personal life out of the office, but when your friends are in the workplace, they do seem to know a lot about you. That is the part that is hard not to keep out of the office. They already know. Now I don't need to worry about that, since i am no longer there. I would have to say it definitely bothers me that they don't even attempt to try to get ahold of me. 

Now it is just about surviving. I need to survive until I can find a new job which hopefully will be soon. I've been interviewing, but no one has hired me yet. I have my hopes out for a specific job, so I really hope that they will hire me. I definitely have to say that this has been an experience. I wish I could solve all of my issues but I need a job first. I need to put the pieces of my life back together. I'm honestly scared about what may happen to my life. I am scared that the pieces aren't going to fit back together like they should. I am worried that all of this may put a strain on my relationships and of course living arrangements. There are just so many factors to consider. i just need things to be solved. I need to feel okay again. I need to feel safe and right now I don't. I don't feel like I can do anything right. Honestly I feel like I let everyone down. I used to be the child that had things together, the study job the one taking care of herself. I was doing pretty good for myself until I ended up in this situation.

I can't express how hard or torn up on this I am. I feel like such a failure. Such a failure. I'm barely holding myself together. I am putting a good face on for everyone showing them that I am all right but in reality I am not. I am not okay. I am mad and sad, and feel like I was stabbed in the back. I feel like I have lost friends that I trust and I feel like my whole world is crashing around me. I have having a hard time sleeping at night because I can't seem to stop stressing and nightmares seem to take over my brain every night. I just wish I could make things going away. I just want to sleep for an entire night. Nightmares are awful. I can't seem to sleep. No matter what I do I wake up in the middle of the night with terrible nightmares. I always seem to lose someone I love in them. I just don't understand why I keep having them. I just want them to go away. completely away. I want to sleep. 

I guess that is all I have to say. I know it is a little long and none of it is pretty. I feel the tiniest bit better from writing so maybe this is progress. I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving. It looks like mine is going to be busy. I will try harder to write more, life had been very busy up until now.


Color Blind

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Update for 2013 - random

Hey everyone,

I know it has been awhile. One of my goals for this year was to post more but I've been so busy that I haven't had the chance to sit and write. My life has been filled with a lot of work and school. I'm hoping life slows down soon but if it doesn't that it should definitely slow down by summer.

In October after my vacation in Disneyland, my lovely social life became an absolute mess. My ex-boyfriend/friend and I weren't talking because we were taking a break from each other and another close friend and I went through a mess that basically destroyed our friendship. Situations like this make you truly realize who your real friends are and that not all repetition is good. As soon as my friend drama blew over, I am now great friends with my ex and my other friend and I no longer exist. He and I aren't friends anymore. Sometimes I miss that friendship because their are times that we had a lot of fun but things turned from right side up to upside down.

Then in November, my sister was in the hospital for a few days and the doctors weren't able to figure out what was wrong with her. Weeks later the symptoms finally went away but it was still an awful process to go through. When your sister says goodbye to you like she is dying is a really hard thing to go through. Tears streaming down your face because their is nothing you are able to do. It is the worst. I am thankful and praise God that she is healed and doing great now.

My book reviews are going really well on my other website. I love it and it is so much fun just to discuss books. You can truly see my book nerd side but I am having a lot of fun. Now if only I could get my guest bloggers to post some material too. If you have any interest at all, go check out Dazzled by Books.

It is April now and I am looking forward to summer. I want the sun and a swimming pool. It would be nice to go swimming and rollerblading again. I am really looking forward to summer this year. I just have to survive school first to get there. I am a little interested to see where summer takes me this year, in previous years it has lead to new friends and adventures. I say bring in on 2013, I am ready.

Hopefully I will have time to write a real post soon, but I wanted to update everyone with what has been going on in my life.

How about them paint chips?


Color Blind

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year 2013

Happy New Year Everyone!

I hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve last night. I thought I would start off my New Year with blogging.  Probably makes for a boring New Year's Day but hey, at least I would finally get a post out. 2012 was a very busy year for me. I put a lot of things that I enjoyed aside to start some new things. I enrolled in college, my boyfriend and I broke up, I have trained for three different positions at my job, and I started book blogging and getting to know some authors and publishing companies. Then of course, members of the family have been in and out of the hospital or doctor's office. A lot has happened, however I am glad that I can put 2012 behind me and start anew in 2013. I have some New Year Resolutions like most people however they aren't the typical resolutions that you would probably think about.


1.  I want to improve my blogging. I want to try to post more, however with posting I want my posts to be worth while. I want them to be more valuable to my readers and to me.

2.  I want to pick up my journal writing again. I used to write everyday and then it became a couple times a month and now...I haven't written in months. I want to start writing in my journal again.

3.  I want to finish my novel. Now I know that this will not be finished in 2013 however I want to pick up writing for it again. I would like to finish it or at least get a draft out for someone to edit.

4. I want to continue to do well in school. I did great in my last term, so I want to continue to do well in school. I am still a little nervous going back to school after 3 years. I am enjoying it a lot though even though it is a lot of hard work and very stressful at times.

5.  I want to improve my relationships with my siblings. I love them to death and would like to build my relationship with them because this is the time that it counts. "The Teenage Years"

6.  I want to improve my current friendships and make new friends. I want to be a better friend.

7.  I want to try to "HOPE" more. A friend told me that I don't have much "HOPE" in my life. My goal is to try to improve on this and try to have more "HOPE."

8.  I have my 2013 book challenge. I would like to read 100 books this year.

9.  I want to have 2013 drilled into my brain by the end of this week, so that I only write 2013 as the date instead of 2012.

10.  I am going to try not to stress so much. I am one of the worst worries and I stress about things like crazy. I am going to try very hard not to stress out and try to keep my cool. I don't want to worry about things so much. I want to try to trust more and worry less.

My 2013

I want 2013 to be great. Actually I want it to be more than great. I want 2013 to be the best. I want to learn new things, try new things, and enjoy the old things. I am going to try really hard to keep all of my resolutions because I would like to improve my life. I deserve it. I am ready to help change the world. I can be...I am a world changer and I am ready for whatever people want to throw at me. This will be a great year and I am not backing down for anything less.

I hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve and a blessed New Year.  



Color Blind

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Not Forgotten

I promise I have not forgotten about writing or blogging whichever you prefer. Expect to have some long posts being posted in the next week or two. I've been working on some long pieces but I want them to be perfect before I post them.

I apologize for not being on here as often as I have in the past. I started college and so that takes up my time plus I've been doing a lot of training for work that honestly I haven't even had time to read recreational books let alone sit down and write some blogging pieces.

I just want to say thank you for bearing with me and hopefully I will have something up soon that is worth reading. If anything the drama in my personal life could make a good story. I just wanted ya'll to know that I'm still alive, just trying to keep up with my own life.


Color Blind

Friday, October 12, 2012

California Here I Come

Right now I am almost to Redding, CA.   Driving at night with mom is very interesting.  We have some of the best conversations and we pray together during the scary driving parts.  Construction is horrible this trip.  Every five mins there is a new sign about some new construction thing.  I will be tweeting about the road trip if you would like to follow on twitter.  Lots of fun and music on the road.  Why California?  Disneyland!  We will be at Disneyland for six days and then San Diego from there.  We should arrive sometime tomorrow with driving through the night.  Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep in the car but that is highly unlikely.   Say prayers for a safe trip and I will try to blog again if I get a chance.

How about them paint chips?


Color Blind